My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
kids play hide and seek like
A woman drives into a bar.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”