My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you