Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My ideal weight is five million dollars
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.