thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
This is me 🤣🤣
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.