It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Oh deer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game