the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
happy friday
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*