I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?