Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
You Might Also Like
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.