[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Hello Twits.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate