T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
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Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I need to get some bricks…
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??