before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
the Monday after daylight savings
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
mariah carrie
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”