Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.