Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Who says great literature is dead?
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??