Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
thinking about a very short hotdog
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.