[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.