Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
getting old is fun
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Don’t talk down to me
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious