I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
you gotta be faster
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.