I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.