why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong