why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.