Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no