Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Called it
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
pat pat
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
am i feeling hopeful about the future?