Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
You Might Also Like
My work here is done
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.