So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
john wicks are toilet candles
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
i love meeting boys on tinder
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
catch me on valentine’s day like