Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say