[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.