Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
everyone’s a critic
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!