I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.