“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?