Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My beach vacation Google searches
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Webb. James Webb.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die