u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.