Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection