Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
There’s always that one guy
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂