Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son