You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.