“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.