I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
You Might Also Like
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones