I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
so much to do
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”