I feel this so hard
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*