Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?