Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.