I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I wish this was real life…
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.