More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.