Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Born to be mild.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future