With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.