Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT