We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.