St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
😂😂😂
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets