Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Saw online –
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels