The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora