Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is