Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.