@notacroc

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

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@LIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@rickolantern

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@TheAndrewNadeau

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@TheCatWhisprer

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

@jordan_stratton

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

@s1lenus

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.