My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.