RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
i love meeting boys on tinder
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?